Posts Tagged ‘Aquaman

09
Apr
08

World’s Most Useless Super Heroes: #1 Aquaman

Aquaman can deal with venereal disease and alcohol problems at the same time...I don\'t need to public schoolin\'

Aquaman

This was such an easy choice for number one. Aquaman offers us nothing. His costume in its original form was bad. In DC comics Golden Age, the creators or superheroes has a penchant for making horrific costumes with gaudy color schemes, or schemes that just make one ill. Aquaman’s costume does the latter. Green and Orange. Yeah.

His powers are a regrettable mix of silly, useless, and restrained to an environment in which no man lives–except for Aquaman. The only thing his powers may be good for is getting chicks, because we all know how women adore dolphins, with their fervent chattering and permanent smiles.

No personality either. I mean, we know what Batman and Superman are all about. But Aquaman is like dry oatmeal.

You know a character has problems when the writers, instead of taking the normal road to rejuvenating a dull character (making him or her dark and brooding), give the character a mullet. That was supposed to make Aquaman hip. They may as well as given him a wallet with a chain leading to his belt and a tattoo that said “Born to Lose.”

Some superheroes just need to die, and DC has chosen to kill off far better characters than Aquaman. The Flash for instance bought the farm in Crisis on Infinite Earth while destroying the Anti-Matter machine created by the Anti-Monitor. But for some reason, the writers at DC love Aquaman.

Actually, what would be better than killing off Aquaman would be to have him go rogue, start jacking cruise liners with armies of Sea Monkeys or destroying the economy of coastal Maine by marching all of the lobsters down to Mexico for spring break. The women he’d score when he marched his horde of lobster onto the shores of Rosarito Beach would boggle the mind. I think Rogue Aquaman would have starfish attached to his belt, that he could toss like shuriken. Only in a pinch of course, otherwise they’d be decorative starfish.

The Justice League comic and cartoon invariably found reasons to include this useless hero in all of the team’s escapades. Superman and Batman would be slugging it out with Solomon Grundy and Bizarro, while Aquaman would be scooping hapless and intoxicated sea-kayakers out of the murky waters of the YMCA swimming pool.

It’s time for Aquaman to go. And if anyone makes a real movie with Aquaman as the lead hero, I’m calling for a revolution. They rarely get superhero movies right in the first place, and to make a movie about the worst hero of them all would be catastrophic. I know what they’d do too. It would have some sort of Broke Back Mountain twist to it. I guarantee it. The only way they’d get people to go the film would be to throw gayness into it and feed off the sliver of people that will do whatever they can to partake of that which is gay.

 

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