I’m really feeling worn out. I want to go home. I want to feel like a regular person again.
This whole process has been quite tough on me, even though the people that I’m in training with seem to think it’s easy for me.
Living with 50 other people in a bay for the last 3 months, people that are younger and of diiferent backgrounds, the control of virtually every aspect of my life, from what I can wear, to how I must stand while I’m speaking is difficult for me. It’s not an easy transition when you’ve spent 36 years of your life doing things a certain way. I’m certain that if I were to ask my instructors and platoon sergeants about my performance, they would say that I’m doing well. But my fight is on the inside, like it’s alsways been I suppose.
There are times I want to walk away. Go back to wearing jeans, and serving coffee or doing something simple. At heart, I’m a philosopher. I know that once all of this is over, the training that is, I can go back to my life, do what I want after work etc. But for now, I miss my daughter and my friends and laughing. Things that used to interest me, don’t do so anymore. It’s day to day right now.
I put a lot of pressure on myself, always expecting to be the best, which creates internal tension. It serves me well in most instances, but I find that I wear down in situations that require mental endurance. I need to learn how to pace myself. This is quite a long process; 4 months of 8 hrs a day classes–intense physically and mentally– not to mention Basic and possible deployment. The idea of deployment doesn’t bother me. I’ll be doing my job and be treated like an adult, unlike here.
I was reading an article in Men’s Health on how Navy SEALS are trained to handle stress. One of the things that they teach is to place the team first, which removes a SEALS attention from his own problems, and gives a psychological boost when he knows he’s helped someone else. I’ve used this technique several times, and it works, no doubt.
Today, I read a quote from Ernst Junger, famed WWI veteran and a man who was bestowed virtually every literary prize there is by his German homeland. He said: “What ever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and whatever kills me makes me incredibly strong.” His book, “Storm of Steel” chronicles Junger’s experience in WWI and how he was able to channel his rage and energy, to actually feed off the war and make himself stronger by it. Some left-leaning people hated him for his view that the war made him better, but no one challenged his literary abilities.
The only thing that can keep me going is to think the way Junger did.