18
Apr
08

Short Story

Wrote this one in while eating pizza and drinking a beer at Mello Mushroom in Greenville.

 

Can you figure out who the narrator is?

The Thirteenth Labor

 

 

Yea, I know. I’m puttin’ the demi back in demigod these days. Stop staring. I’m workin’ on it. Bought one of those ab machines last week. I broke it. Piece of junk. So what if the gut’s a little flabby? I can still kick ass if I need to.

     Things have been okay; got me a place downtown, on First Street. A decent car too; good gas mileage.

     Like a beer? I like this Coors Lite stuff; doesn’t fill me up and it’s cheap. Back in the day it was all wine. Used to drink the stuff like water, then the years passed and I fell on hard times. Three bottles a day of Wild Irish Rose. I went downhill quick. Strictly a beer-man now.

     Don’t shake your head. Despite what you see here, I was a ball-buster when I was young. And if you tell me you’ve never heard of me, I’ll slap the taste outta your mouth. Things just started gettin’ to me. Around the time of the Stymphalian Birds. Got a little twitch in my right eye, a little shake in my hand. What? A legend can’t have issues? You try takin’ out a flock a’ flamingos-from-hell, see how it is. Pretty soon, you’ll be getting’ a disability check too.

     Geryon sealed it though. I was pretty messed. Drunk pretty much all the time after that. Kept goin’ though. Put the beat-down on Cerberus even though I could barely stand. That was one pissed off mutt. By the way, he didn’t have three heads; I just saw three heads. Homer (who was a chick by the way; no she wasn’t hot) thought three heads made a better story than one. I’d have to agree.

     My therapist says I’ve got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She gets paid a lot of money to come up with that crap. But what would anyone expect? Theseus kills a guy with horns on his head. Perseus offs Medusa. They’re big-time heroes. Ladies all over ‘em all the time. Me? I gotta do twelve suicide missions. One’s not enough for my lovely step-mom. Oh yea. Step-mom. Real sweetheart, that one. Tries to punch my ticket at every turn but Dad still won’t leave her. She’s got him by the short-n’-curlies. He knows she’d get the mansion on Olympus and besides, no ruler-diety can get divorced; it breaks up the image of perfection. Just keep smilin’ when you’re out in public, Dad. Course, Dad makes his own problems. Can’t keep it in his pants. Really likes the mortal ladies. After all, here I am.   

     Finally, I just had to get away from it all. My last wife knew about Dad’s shenanigans and she knew a little of his act rubbed off on me. So she just couldn’t help but try a little of Nessus’ saltpeter on me. Hydra venom does have the tendency to take the romance outta ya. Thanks, Hon.  Got a huge tat on my back trying to cover up the scars from where my skin ripped off. No, it doesn’t say: I love Mom. The pain’s still bad, but the pills help. There’s a saying: Religion is the opium of the masses. I say opium is the opium of the masses.

     So after the fourth divorce, I faked the whole funeral pyre thing. Hit the road. Saw more of the world. At least Hera left me alone. Even the other Olympians felt sorry for me, started the rumor that I’d been accepted as one of them. Mommy-dearest was too busy messin’ up the war in Troy to see any different. I kicked ass a few more times, but nothin’ serious really.

     I had to get this all out. Go ahead, write it down, print it, talk about in on Oprah. Whatever. People have to know the truth. I want kids to know that someday, they can be on top of the world and then it may all come crashing down. That’s when they’ll find out who their true friends are. Oh, and drugs are bad—real bad.

     For right now, I’m lookin’ at a comeback. Got an agent. Been workin’ out. Little less beer. The gray hairs can be fixed. I’m workin’ hard on this—real hard. Memoir; Hollywood option. But you’re the first to hear it made public. A photo? Hold on, let me get my club.

 

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5 Responses to “Short Story”


  1. April 18, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    I know! But I ain’t sayin’…

  2. 2 How You Doin Blondie
    April 19, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    Hercules.

    Guys, come on.

  3. 4 How You Doin Blondie
    April 19, 2008 at 9:47 pm

    What’s with the sigh? Doug, I couldn’t possibly have gotten that one wrong…I was double major…History being the other major…Greek mythology was covered extensively…if I got it wrong, I will be plunged into a deep depression.

  4. April 19, 2008 at 10:06 pm

    No, you were right. Perhaps you read my other Greek mythology story?

    https://magus71.wordpress.com/2008/03/24/new-short-story/


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