09
Apr
08

World’s Most Useless Super Heroes: #1 Aquaman

Aquaman can deal with venereal disease and alcohol problems at the same time...I don\'t need to public schoolin\'

Aquaman

This was such an easy choice for number one. Aquaman offers us nothing. His costume in its original form was bad. In DC comics Golden Age, the creators or superheroes has a penchant for making horrific costumes with gaudy color schemes, or schemes that just make one ill. Aquaman’s costume does the latter. Green and Orange. Yeah.

His powers are a regrettable mix of silly, useless, and restrained to an environment in which no man lives–except for Aquaman. The only thing his powers may be good for is getting chicks, because we all know how women adore dolphins, with their fervent chattering and permanent smiles.

No personality either. I mean, we know what Batman and Superman are all about. But Aquaman is like dry oatmeal.

You know a character has problems when the writers, instead of taking the normal road to rejuvenating a dull character (making him or her dark and brooding), give the character a mullet. That was supposed to make Aquaman hip. They may as well as given him a wallet with a chain leading to his belt and a tattoo that said “Born to Lose.”

Some superheroes just need to die, and DC has chosen to kill off far better characters than Aquaman. The Flash for instance bought the farm in Crisis on Infinite Earth while destroying the Anti-Matter machine created by the Anti-Monitor. But for some reason, the writers at DC love Aquaman.

Actually, what would be better than killing off Aquaman would be to have him go rogue, start jacking cruise liners with armies of Sea Monkeys or destroying the economy of coastal Maine by marching all of the lobsters down to Mexico for spring break. The women he’d score when he marched his horde of lobster onto the shores of Rosarito Beach would boggle the mind. I think Rogue Aquaman would have starfish attached to his belt, that he could toss like shuriken. Only in a pinch of course, otherwise they’d be decorative starfish.

The Justice League comic and cartoon invariably found reasons to include this useless hero in all of the team’s escapades. Superman and Batman would be slugging it out with Solomon Grundy and Bizarro, while Aquaman would be scooping hapless and intoxicated sea-kayakers out of the murky waters of the YMCA swimming pool.

It’s time for Aquaman to go. And if anyone makes a real movie with Aquaman as the lead hero, I’m calling for a revolution. They rarely get superhero movies right in the first place, and to make a movie about the worst hero of them all would be catastrophic. I know what they’d do too. It would have some sort of Broke Back Mountain twist to it. I guarantee it. The only way they’d get people to go the film would be to throw gayness into it and feed off the sliver of people that will do whatever they can to partake of that which is gay.

 

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27 Responses to “World’s Most Useless Super Heroes: #1 Aquaman”


  1. 1 How You Doin Blondie
    April 10, 2008 at 1:25 am

    Your post was amusing, though I must disagree; although Aquaman is silly, as far as superheroes go, Batman is more embarassing. I base this assertion almost exclusively on an email I got from my brother relaying a conversation he and his fellow Marines were having over the newest Batman comic. Apparently, as the story line goes, Gotham City is attacked by Al Quaeda and Batman is dispatched to vanquish and uproot Al Quaeda’s MIA leader, Osama bin Laden. One of my brother’s friends was particularly incensed over the fact that of all the superheroes, Batman was chosen to carry the torch for freedom. The friend was quoted as saying this:

    “BATMAN? Are you fucking shitting me? Who the fuck did BATMAN ever find? The Riddler? Oh yeah, THAT was a tough one. ‘Excuse me my good man, yes, have you by any chance seen a man in an electric green unitard with question marks all over it? Speaks only in riddles?’ I mean what the fuck! And he never did any of the actual work anyway, he was too busy playing grab ass with Albert in his fucking bat cave. ROBIN did all the legwork, queer ass Robin who never even got a decent costume. Shit, who are they sending in next? Fucking AQUAMAN?”

    …sorry, I thought it was hilarious and relevant…I’m sure you’re just wondering how the hell I found your blog…ah, the beauty of the internet 😉

  2. April 10, 2008 at 1:45 am

    Robin may or may not make my list for Most Useless Superheroes. I’ve already pretty well thrashed him in my anti-sidekick article, so I’m not sure if I could have an unbiased opinion as to his worth as a hero.

    Ok–that Batman comic book story sounds terrible. Whoever wrote that story line should be fired. But I just don’t think I can put the Caped Crusader on the most useless list. The dude has nuts…just ask Robin.

  3. April 10, 2008 at 1:52 am

    Wait a minute…any ex-cop knows Batman has an angle on reality. He knows the deal, and doesn’t mind stomping the snot out of bad guys, albeit without due process.

    Aquaman truly and dreadfully sucks. Even after they got rid of his gay ’50’s guy in a tight orange sweater’ look, he still sucks terribly. Was the creator’s dad a Clemson soccer coach, or what? As a kid I was always fascinated with scuba diving and underwater photography, but Aquaman always had no appeal to me.

    Green spandex pants with scales? Um, OK, let’s all make our own stupid superhero. Ideas, anyone?

  4. 4 Writer of Wrongs
    April 10, 2008 at 5:26 am

    “The Legion of Super Heroes comic and cartoon invariably found reasons to include this useless hero in all of the team’s escapades.”

    I believe you mean “Justice League” although I do expect a lengthy article on Matter Eater Lad, Bouncing Boy and the Legion of Substitute Heroes.

  5. April 10, 2008 at 11:38 am

    Writer,

    You are correct. I made an edit, but I think that I may have opened a can of worms here; there are so many horrible superheroes in the Legion of Super Heroes, I may have to ban all of its members from my list…:)

    Thanks for stopping in…

  6. 6 timmassee
    October 27, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    alfred, not albert.

  7. 7 Mark Lance
    March 2, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Don’t fuck with fucking Aquaman. He is the most fucking awesome superhero in fucking creation. His powers are fucking awesome as are his fucking strength and resourcefulness.

  8. 8 DC Genius
    March 10, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Obviously you don’t know anything about Aquaman.

    This was such an easy choice for number one. Aquaman offers us nothing. His costume in its original form was bad. In DC comics Golden Age, the creators or superheroes has a penchant for making horrific costumes with gaudy color schemes, or schemes that just make one ill. Aquaman’s costume does the latter. Green and Orange. Yeah.

    The costumes not great. That much is true.

    His powers are a regrettable mix of silly, useless, and restrained to an environment in which no man lives–except for Aquaman. The only thing his powers may be good for is getting chicks, because we all know how women adore dolphins, with their fervent chattering and permanent smiles.

    Strength enough to raise an entire city is silly, useless, or restrained to an environment in which only Aquaman lives (which is false btw, because there are quite a few villains from Atlantis). He also has super speed, eyesight, endurance, durability, telepathic powers that he can use to fry peoples brains (yes people and not marine life). He can do that too.

    No personality either. I mean, we know what Batman and Superman are all about. But Aquaman is like dry oatmeal.

    He has a personality. Before he was like Superman, but after his son died he became more brooding and cold like Batman. You obviously don’t know what your talking about.

    You know a character has problems when the writers, instead of taking the normal road to rejuvenating a dull character (making him or her dark and brooding), give the character a mullet. That was supposed to make Aquaman hip. They may as well as given him a wallet with a chain leading to his belt and a tattoo that said “Born to Lose.”

    Other people would say differently.

    Some superheroes just need to die, and DC has chosen to kill off far better characters than Aquaman. The Flash for instance bought the farm in Crisis on Infinite Earth while destroying the Anti-Matter machine created by the Anti-Monitor. But for some reason, the writers at DC love Aquaman.

    He doesn’t need to die. He needs to live.

    Actually, what would be better than killing off Aquaman would be to have him go rogue, start jacking cruise liners with armies of Sea Monkeys or destroying the economy of coastal Maine by marching all of the lobsters down to Mexico for spring break. The women he’d score when he marched his horde of lobster onto the shores of Rosarito Beach would boggle the mind. I think Rogue Aquaman would have starfish attached to his belt, that he could toss like shuriken. Only in a pinch of course, otherwise they’d be decorative starfish.

    Your not funny so just quit while your behind.

    The Justice League comic and cartoon invariably found reasons to include this useless hero in all of the team’s escapades. Superman and Batman would be slugging it out with Solomon Grundy and Bizarro, while Aquaman would be scooping hapless and intoxicated sea-kayakers out of the murky waters of the YMCA swimming pool.

    BS. So you defend Batman, but not Aquaman? You do know that Aquaman could wipe the floor with Batman, right?

    It’s time for Aquaman to go. And if anyone makes a real movie with Aquaman as the lead hero, I’m calling for a revolution. They rarely get superhero movies right in the first place, and to make a movie about the worst hero of them all would be catastrophic. I know what they’d do too. It would have some sort of Broke Back Mountain twist to it. I guarantee it. The only way they’d get people to go the film would be to throw gayness into it and feed off the sliver of people that will do whatever they can to partake of that which is gay.

    Too late. I heard that they’re planning both an animated and live-action movie about him.

  9. 9 Kyle
    July 6, 2011 at 2:55 am

    Fuck sake @DC Genius, you gotta be kidding me… If it’s not embarrassing enough you going full in defending Aquaman like some 10 year old die hard superhero fan, you do so on a 4 year old post from 2007.

  10. 10 adamantium angel
    June 6, 2012 at 5:42 am

    More like DC Dumbass…

  11. 11 Heath
    June 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    Aquamans new52 reboot is actually pretty good. They’ve definitely fixed the character. They’ve given him superhuman strength to go along with his telepathy and he carries around a badass trident to stab his enemies

  12. June 21, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I cannot disagree,even his sidekick Jackson Hyde AKA Kaldur ahm has more to offer than him.

  13. 13 Ricky
    December 27, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Your dumb. And unoriginal. That’s it

  14. 14 Ricky
    December 27, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Oh. And you’re wrong

  15. 15 Ricky
    December 27, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    If you people don’t like him. Don’t buy his comic. Seems to me like some people are overly concerned with gayness. Sounds like some people need to accept their sexuality and come out of the closet. Haha. Losers

  16. 16 KTM
    January 23, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Ok dude, you just went too FAR! Aquaman has a wife! BAtman has a 12 year old sidekick and a butler. He is probably a homo anyway! Let me get this straight, why does everyone kiss Batman’s BORING ASS. It sickening! What is his best villain, Joker? He is a literal joke. Bane?He just has super-steroids. Catwoman? Sneaky slut. Aquaman may be at the bottom of the ocean, but you are stupid for even thinking that gadget flinging gothic closeted homosexual loser is better. Superman is OP. He can clean off a planet by looking at it, destroy a planet by rammin into it, get sandwiched by two planets, get blasted by the wrath of 5000 suns, WTF. I’m not jealous, i think it’s pathetic to like someone with that type of power. I admit, AQ could be better, but Batman is a boring silly idea for a hero. Just like Aq lol. He needs a revamp, but DO NOT CALL HIM GAY JUST BECAUSE OF HIS “color scheme”.

  17. 17 tom
    February 15, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    I like aquaman because of how much he does suck. I mean, you got all these superheroes like superman with so many unbelievably strong powers…..how can they fail? it makes it boring because you know theyre going to win. then theres aquaman, a guy who must know that he blows and that his ocean powers are pretty much useless on land but he still tries his best. if you like aquaman then you like rooting for the underdog. It cant be easy to try to put your life on the line to help others when you know your most likely going to die in some hilarious way. I think they should change his look though. someone who spends so much time in the sea should be pretty weird looking. how cool would a grotesque aquaman be …..I mean when im in the bathtub I get all pruny and this dude is living in salt water. a wrinkly pruny bald aquaman might scare the shit outta any criminal out there. just a thought. btw…..who cares about the sexuality of superheroes? why do I care what they do with their gentitals as long as they are kicking bad guys asses n taking names? I figured they were all gay especially with group names like the superfriends and running around in tights and leotards. wonder woman was hot. katey perry would be a cool wonder woman wit dem big ole boobies. just a thought

  18. 18 D10
    February 17, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    You’re kidding me right? This is the stupidest most ridiculous post I’ve ever read. Aquaman is one of the most powerful heroes in DC! The guy is just as strong as Supes when he’s under water and out of water he’s still strong as fuck. Go look into Aquaman more so you won’t be fooled into that mainstream b.s.

  19. June 20, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    with Aquaman is a great actor when he is king of the sea but to a point Aquaman should let his fans know what is address is. from Wendy Sells

  20. June 20, 2015 at 5:58 pm

    I think that Aquaman is a great swimmer when he is underwater. from Wendy Sells

  21. July 2, 2015 at 6:02 pm

    Hmm… First time I saw this post, but random thought: Rather than Ben Affleck doing Batman, why not make HIM do an Aqua man movie instead?

    If nothing else the chances of him being a major letdown in this case are next to nothing, as opposed to the harm he could do to Batman’s public image.

  22. 22 eshrak
    July 9, 2015 at 2:26 am

    Have you ever read his comics before? Do you having super strength, and being a master and hand to hand combat is lame? You obviously have never read his comics

  23. 23 Aquafan
    July 16, 2015 at 12:46 am

    …Aquaman controls 80% of earth….he can sic sharks, killer whales and Kraken on you at will… he is basically as strong a superman, has magic weapons, so he can KILL superman, is very fast, and has absolutely no qualms about killing people..yeah, suuuure he’s the weakest one…

  24. 24 Jedh
    August 18, 2015 at 1:28 am

    Ok, so even though everything you said about Aquaman is factually wrong, I won’t touch that. instead, I would like to point out the character, Dazzler. She is an Xman character who has one power. she can create light. not even lasers. just…… colored…….. light……. She doesn’t do anything else. oh, and how about the character skin. he is also an Xman who has “Six extra feet of skin.” not “Square feet.” just “Feet.” so his power doesn’t even work to begin with. NOw you are telling me that Northstar, antman and Aquaman are all more useless than this? Assuming you had all your facts checked by someone who knows the subject material and were correct (which they aren’t) they are still far better heroes than either of these two.


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