I don’t like sidekicks

Robin--Boy WonderI figured out something about myself. I don’t like sidekicks. It’s taken me quite a while to figure out why certain people irritate me, but I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because most of these people were some one’s sidekick. This epiphany came to me recently because of a run-in with a person that I consider to be a sidekick.

Now, to be sure, sidekicks are people too, and many of them have admirable qualities, most notably their loyalty to their Leader. It’s not the fact that these people are sidekicks that bothers me, it’s the fact that all sidekicks seem to have traits that are downright annoying.

Let’s take a look at the most famous sidekick of them all. Robin–sidekick to Batman. For some reason which escapes me, he held the moniker “Boy Wonder.” But what did Dick Grayson, aka Robin, ever really do for Batman besides make us all wonder if The Detective had a hidden taste for pederasty? And that ridiculous outfit! The colors remind one of the hue of vomit, his shorts are short, and they have scales on them. Are they dragon-underwear?

I feel guilty for not liking sidekicks, because by definition, they are weak personalities. And poor Robin lost his parents at a very young age.

It’s pretty easy to spot someone who’s a sidekick. For one, they’re always an insufferable wise-ass. No matter what you say, they’ll play Devil’s Advocate. What enrages me even more is when they argue with me about the very thing they agreed with their Fearless Leader about 15 minutes ago. Man, that’s irritating.

Another attribute of a sidekick, is a mocking smile, or air of disdain that he carries with him for those not attaining the title of Leader. You may outmatch him in every measurable way, but the sidekick carries himself as if he’s Ramses II. That is until his Leader enters the same room, clad in purple robes. Then, the sidekick is reduced to a quivering heap, groveling for the least bit of approval.

I never feel comfortable around sidekicks. When their Leaders aren’t around, they can be polite, but as noted above, there’s a subtle air of hatred about them, as if they’re thinking: If the Leader were here, he’d like ME better!  It does make one wonder what special qualities the Leader could possibly have to maintain such a loyal subject.

It did come to me that perhaps I was just jealous that I didn’t have a sidekick of my own. Then I remembered times in my life when I did have a sidekick–and they annoyed the crap out of me. I had to do all of the thinking for two, and to me, that’s far too much work. Not to mention that there were times that the sidekick dragged me into needless trouble. Like one time, a sidekick of mine in Junior High, prompted a fight with a kid that had been a bully in the past. The sidekick knew I was there to defend him, so he threw an egg at the bully. After cursing the sidekick out, I rendered the situation calm with some smooth diplomacy: “My sidekick here is an idiot. Don’t beat him up; I will.” The good thing about being Leader is that your sidekick will happily take a beating from you.

Now, your enemies have their sidekicks. You know, the ones that dance around the Leader sneering “That’s right Ralphie! You tell ’em, Ralphie! Sock ’em in the chops, Ralphie!”

That kind of sidekick is pretty easy to deal with. You either rule him or his Leader through pain. But the other kind of sidekick presents some trouble. The sidekick of a friend. If the Leader is a friend of yours, you can’t just throw insults at the sidekick and appear as a barbarian. The best thing to do is to ignore this type of sidekick, as he’s only hoping to rile you up enough to impress the Leader. There may come a time though, when you just have to lay some verbal smack down. It’s unfortunate, but without force, the law is indeed impotent…

 Even worse is when a friend of yours is someone else’s sidekick. I’ve seen it before; your friend will betray you at the drop of a hat in favor of the Leader, and it will break your heart. That’s why I don’t have sidekicks for friends. The sidekick will display a level of nastiness that you didn’t know him capable of. It’ll be like a former girl friend, your hottest former girl friend, walking by you arm-in-arm with her knew man, and sticking her tongue out at you. It’ll hurt bad. But keep your wits and your pride about you. Remember, the sidekick is a deeply scarred individual, weak, and wholly without originality. His Leader is the mirror into which he gazes, hoping that what he sees will one day be himself.  


5 Responses to “I don’t like sidekicks”

  1. 1 Batman
    April 7, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    If you had a sidekick, you’d whistle a different tune. To the Batcave!

  2. April 7, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    On your view, is a minion the same as a sidekick?

  3. April 7, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    Minions and side-kicks have many traits, which at a glance, seem the same. But upon closer inspection we actually see that minions have more self-motivating power, and can, if pushed far enough, resort to an overthrow of the Leader. Brutus, for example, was a minion–not a sidekick, because he displayed a personality which was capable of sustaining and even overcoming that of Julius Caesar’s.

    Also, minions tend to be far less annoying to meet in person and may be characterized as proteges. Most minions will in time themselves becomes Leaders. Sidekicks rarely do.

  4. April 12, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    How do I convert my minions into sidekicks? Or should I just rig them with explosive collars just in case they go rogue?

  5. April 13, 2008 at 3:58 am

    You’ll definitely have to construct some sort of Machiavellian device to guarantee your own superior position.

    Emperor Palpatine learned that the hard way. Vader’s mask should have been rigged with thermal detonators.

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