Simplified Insanity Index (SSI)

After much observation of the human condition, and having decided that psycho-therapy is for the most part post-modern astrology, I have created a simple index that may help others to know their own levels of sanity (or insanity). It may also help when someone is deciding if they should marry or date another person. It goes like this:

Add the number of body piercing/tattoos, cats and bumper stickers that you or your prospective date have. Then, simply refer to the chart below.

0-2: This person is stable, reliable and a realist. They don’t believe that the government is tapping their phones and they don’t have posters of Rosie O’Donnell over their beds. The person is able to cope with everyday difficulties without experiencing a psychological meltdown and destroying everything that is dear to them.

3-5: This person can be subject to mood swings, particularly when they hear George W. Bush speaking on television. They may tell you that their cats talk to them and tell them secrets known only to the “forest spirits.” If you can put up with with the emotional roller coaster, you may find that there is a very good and intelligent person here, but there will be times of trouble.

6-10: Things start getting downright weird here. Lava lamps, smoking green herbs before going to work in the morning and quietly planning ways to cause psychological trauma to their significant other; that’s what this person is all about. Bumper stickers will be comprised of the most cliche’ slandering of America possible and some body piercings may be covered by underwear. When you look into this person’s eyes, you’ll experience moments of confusion; is that happiness or homicidal merriment?

11-15: People call the police on this person–often. They probably wander around town, stopping in at various places to expound of the End-Times. They have a friend that you can’t see. To them, all of reality is a conspiracy; even God is trying to pull the wool over their eyes. Piercings will be mostly facial and cats–probably Siamese.

16-20: The Chernobyl of cuckoos. Absolute and complete meltdown. There are cats in the cupboards, in the freezer and a fat-assed coon-cat will probably be using the toilet should you have to go number two at this person’s house. Or, the entire back of their mini-van may look like a poster-board for the Sierra Club and hemp consumption. This person avoids fluoride in all forms(it’s a form of government mind-control) and their teeth are worse for the wear. Their favorite movie is The Taxi Driver; they’re completely sympathetic with DeNiro’s role and may have shaved their heads just like he did in the movie. Al Gore may be this person’s hero.

My friend and I were walking through the dog park the other day and came upon a fellow who’d brought what looked like a brigade of cats with him, all in separate cages. He was camping under a wooden canopy with his laundry strewn about. I thought I saw one of the cats mouth: “Help me,” but I can’t be sure. If you or someone you know carries their cats everywhere in separate cages, multiply the cat algorithm by two.

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