How will I know when I’ve made it?

I’ve narrowed down all of the possible ways in which I will know, beyond all doubt that I’ve “made it.” Yes, I will have joined the ranks of brilliant writers and super-bloggers world-wide, be followed by throngs of adoring fans all lauding my latest masterpiece or liberal-shredding post. Perhaps I’ll even get a few photos of scantily clad women, detailing how they’ll unwind my tightly-wrapped right-wing self(conservative women who can cook, of course).

However not fans, a throne amongst the elite, nor naked ladies( don’t be afraid to send pictures though), will convince me that my place in history is secure. Actually there are two things that I’m looking for, one more preferable than the other.

The first thing that could do the convincing is that a Fatwa could be issued, imploring jihadists the world over to rid the land of me–a blasphemer. I would join the ranks of Jerry Falwell–a good man in his day–and Salman Rushdie–an excellent writer. Fallwell’s statement that he believed Muhammad was a terrorist and a man of war, promted the death-threats and his views fall right into line with my own. Actually, I see no reason for Al-Queda and their ilk to take offense at this since terrorism is their prime weapon and without it and the media to beam terror’s results around the globe, where would the fundamentalists be?

Fatwa is far down on the list of two possibilies though–a distant second because it could result in my early demise via car bomb, drive-by-shooting, decapitation with a hand saw or some other medieval treatment that the terrorists carry around in their bag of tricks. In that event, I would not be able to enjoy my newly birthed fame. That would irritate me. The slight upside would be that even liberals would be forced to admit my success at winning hearts and minds. They do have a tendancy to shed tears of nostalgia upon arch-foes’ deaths, such as they did with Falwell and Presidents Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan.

The second occurance would be that John Stewart of The Daily Show asks me to guest on his show so we can debate. John Stewart is a left-wing extremist posing as a funny-guy and spending virtually all of the time on his 30 min. show ripping Bush and the war in Iraq. The other day Stewart actually debated someone; I was shocked. William Kristol, the neoconservative comentator was the guest. Kristol is smart–too smart for Stewart to be sure. As Kristol explained the progress being made in Iraq and the positive remarks made by soldiers, Stewart refused to see his ethos of losing is losing. I have no respect for Stewart: NONE. So Mr. Stewart, if you read this or if anyone knowing or having contact with him reads this, please know that I want to be on your awesomely written show. To be sure, you will do to me what you did to Kristol. That is, prevent me from finishing a single sentence. We could help one another really. Your show would greatly benefit from my churlish brilliance and I would get my wonderful face sprinkled over the airwaves, causing millions of your lib fans to do what they hate the most: Think.


5 Responses to “How will I know when I’ve made it?”

  1. 1 How You Doin Blondie
    April 14, 2008 at 7:31 pm

    Sometimes I wish I had more poignant comments to offer by way of response. Unfortunately, you tend to take the words right out of my mouth.

    Aim high, Doug.

  2. April 14, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    There’s a suspicious vehicle outside my place right now. It was good knowing you.

    Just know I made. I really made it, Blondie.

  3. 3 How You Doin Blondie
    April 14, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    Congratulations. It was an honor to have known someone, albeit briefly, as important as yourself. Rozos will be inconsolable when he finds someone beat him to it.

    Oh, and in my off hours, I go by Suzie 🙂

  4. April 14, 2008 at 8:15 pm

    It’s about time you told me your name…

  5. 5 How You Doin Blondie
    April 14, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    Sorry, I forget the virtual rules sometimes.

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